Another month, another trying to conceive disaster
Another month, another period. Another failed month trying to conceive I apologise to those who are squeamish and think that is far too TMI. You may wish to stop reading if that is how you are feeling.
But this month marks yet another unsuccessful cycle and rather than getting used to the pain and disappointment I am finding each and every cycle more and more difficult. You would think a diagnosis of infertility would at least make me expect the worst each time round but no I still find myself absolutely convinced each and every time that this month will have been the one. I agonise staring at pregnancy tests each and every day, peering in different lights, shining my torch on them, uploading pictures onto tweaking apps to apply filters and change the light and convince myself that I can see lines that aren’t there.
It feels cruel and unfair everybody single month. I try and be grateful, I know how lucky I am to have the child I have. In fact, I feel even more grateful than I ever didn’t before that I feel so easily knowing all the fertility issues we have now. He truly was a miracle baby. But that doesn’t stop the heartbreak of secondary infertility. Every month I want to strop and scream and cry like a little child who’s been told she can’t have what she wants.
I’m not used to feeling so out of control of my own life and destiny. I’m a planner, organiser, list maker. We naively planned down to the week when we would start trying to conceive, we had it all planned out. We knew the age gap we wanted, the time of year we wanted to have their birthdays. Everything. How naive we truly were. If all had gone to plan our ‘following the plan’ baby would be in my arms right now!
Here is is a vlog filmed a couple of weeks ago with an update on exactly where we are medically, the good news being that we have now received our fertility specialist appointment through and hopefully by this time next week we will have a better idea of what exactly is going on.